So it has been a year since I turned to the companionship of my blog. I have now joined the ranks of all of us who have learned about mourning a living person and the pain of traveling somewhere alongside someone that you shared so much with, just to have to walk back alone... the infamous break up...It has been a brutally painful road back, learning that intimacy and your authenticity does not guarantee someone else's or that your best friend is actually a stranger who is a phenomenal actor, able to substitute you, forget and abandon you instantaneously. It has been fascinating to see the time, energy and money some people are able to invest in inculcating themselves into your daily life and home just to cut you off and disappear.
How is it we can fall so in love, so completely give everything, so deeply, with someone who tells you, 'never let go - hold on tight with all your might' and then mocks you for not letting go when they change their mind? How is it everyday so many of us fall madly in love with fiction? That is art - ART...lies.
I have needed to accept my responsibility in giving so much loyalty and attachment to one person. Trusting, believing- in and falling for the same pain twice...leaving myself with absolutely no one in my daily circle. No one. Learning to be alone, replaying moments of betrayal until there is no more to extricate. Not to mention dealing with the social isolation of even this 21st century tech addicted group of which I and so many friends are a part of.
The most essential thing that I can do is to return to myself- no matter how old I'm getting, find my way back to 'my' own dreams that I had replaced with the ever present 'us' and 'ours' and continue to pursue happiness. Force that illusive sleep, stop the invisible missing from dominating and see the visible present, eat fruit, nuts and smile. That last one - put on a smile- post the pics, get the FB likes and try desperately to trick my brain into feeling not so alone, not so sad. Brain science says we can make new neurons and change our brain patterns so maybe there's something to faking a smile!
My most recent work in progress, Dog Fight. Enjoy.
Here is the pntg/illustration more finalized, as I contemplate what true romantic love like no other thing actually is, as it 'epically' palpitates, lives almost transcendentally believing you have something no two others have and as it finally manifests when pride and ego rip it apart leaving it for dead, we walk away.